WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has added his own name to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, sources confirmed today. Panel 61E was removed from the wall and replaced with a polished granite panel reading “TRUMP” in gold letters, making him the first living person to commemorate himself for a war he did not fight in.

“It’s important we honor my efforts in securing a deal with Vietnam,” Trump said during the unveiling ceremony. “I was going to tear this whole thing down until we made a deal. A great deal. Maybe the greatest deal ever. Nobody makes deals like me. Did these guys make trade deals? No. So what are we remembering here? Vietnam’s still there. Nothing to forget.”

“This is a boring hall of fame,” Trump continued. “But today we add a great name. A really strong name. Not like these other names. Albert B. Christenson? Who the hell is that? They don’t even have a Bubba here. These are a lot of American-sounding names for Vietnamese people. I thought they were a bunch of Ho’s. At least the women are. Funny story about that. One time I had this banana—”