THE PENTAGON — Anonymous Pentagon officials warned this week that concerns about “mission creep” have reached alarming levels throughout the Department of Defense, with multiple insiders reporting the phenomenon appears to follow Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth wherever he goes.

According to sources familiar with the situation, senior military and civilian leaders have spent months attempting to contain the creep, often with limited success.

“We keep trying to avoid mission creep,” said one senior officer responsible for monitoring ongoing operations. “But wherever we turn, it’s there. It just keeps showing up unexpectedly and getting worse.”

Research suggests mission creep typically develops through repetitive boundary violations, unchecked escalation, and a refusal to accept limitations.

“Success only invites more mission creep,” one official said. “At this point we've started discussing ways to appear unsuccessful.”

Hegseth’s aide-de-camp agreed.

“The secretary remains extremely optimistic,” the aide said. “Every setback is just another opportunity to expand operations. The man has never encountered a boundary he didn’t immediately try to cross.”

According to insiders, discussions about mission creep now occur almost every time Hegseth appears in public.

“It’s like he’s constantly lurking around corners,” one Pentagon official said. “Which is impressive considering the Pentagon has fewer corners than most buildings.”

Several officials acknowledged they have struggled to address the issue directly.

“One day I tried dropping hints,” said a civilian employee. “But he just kept talking about lethality and rigorous exercises with something called ‘D-Force.’ I told him I was a lesbian and he immediately lost interest. Mission accomplished.”

Others argued a more direct approach was necessary.

“I suggested we simply explain the mission creep and redirect resources toward the original objective,” one official said. “Instead everyone told me I was as dense as Hegseth. That felt unnecessary. I mean, damn, you have to compare me to that asshole?"

Asked about reports of mission creep inside the Pentagon, Hegseth appeared confused by the criticism.

“Mission creep has always been the objective,” he said. “Iran has been a tremendous success. Soon China runs out of oil, then Cuba finds itself isolated and abandoned by its allies. That's called strategic vision.”

When asked whether the phrase “clarity is kindness” meant anything to him personally, Hegseth paused.

“I don't use the word kindness,” he said. “But clarity? Absolutely. Direct, aggressive communication increases lethality. It's something I appreciate more than 99 percent of my peers.”

At press time, Hegseth was reportedly wandering Pentagon hallways carrying a tape measure and a body-fat worksheet while asking female officers whether they were “within standards.”