FORT LEONARD WOOD, MO — Secretary of Defense and Also War Pete Hegseth announced today that all funding for the Defense Security Cooperation Agency will be reallocated to the newly formed Office of Cool Knives from the PX.

“For too long, we’ve wasted taxpayer money on arming allies,” said Hegseth. “Now we’re investing in something that actually matters—like this butterfly knife with a skull and flames on it,” he said, speaking outside the U.S. Patriot Tactical store at the Fort Leonard Wood Main Exchange.

Established in 1961, the DSCA was built on international partnerships and shared values. It supported long-term U.S. strategic goals by providing military aid to allied nations.

“Extremely gay,” Hegseth declared. “Why help our friends when we can stab terrorists ourselves with these bad boys?” he added, performing a double-knife move he called “Side Swipe and Heaven’s Uppercut.”

Sen. John Thune (R-S.D.) expressed mild concern: “This seems like a mistake… but I’m a senator, not a sorcerer,” he said, browsing tactical belts inside the PX’s Bermuda Triangle of wig stores.

Pressed on the new office’s mission, Hegseth responded, “Check this out,” then produced a tomahawk from a Ziploc bag and began swiping it in the air. His intent was unclear.

The shift had been telegraphed for months, ever since DSCA’s director was fired and replaced by a 21-year-old DOGE hire named Honk (no last name).

“I’ve reviewed the budget and fully support Secretary Hegseth,” said Honk, before pulling out a knife-compass hybrid, cranking “Sure Shot” on his iPhone, and spinning around a podium.